The Holy Dark

Two days ago, I laid cigarettes down .......... again. Every time I lay them down (once for ten years), it is like entering the Holy Dark where all things possible yet unborn live. It is like when my femininity used to be cyclical and once a month, no matter how hard I tried to avoid the repressed issues, no matter how determined to distract myself I was, like a goddess warrior, thoughts surfaced full into the light and there was no ignoring them. It was impossible to betray myself because I had no control over what had been kept at bay in that dark and rich place. My attention was commanded and there was no escape. I loved that.

On the drive to work this morning, my thinking said, "Life isn't near as much fun without cigarettes." My soul immediately responded, "Really! Is that true?" To which my thinking quipped, "You don't know. You're not living in this reality, I am, and cigarettes are the only things, sometimes, that make it bearable." My soul gave my thinking lots of space and my thinking ranted and whined and raged and blathered for miles.

My eyes were perceiving the world of my thinking and everything was obtuse and monotone until the sun, so persistent, made me close my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, there was an incredible sunrise. Pink and peach and blue and lavender with rays of light silver and gold and hues of darkness leftover from the night, and my soul said, "Just for a moment, SHUT UP and take it in."

Even my thinking had to admit, just for a nanosecond, that a cigarette had no power to enhance life in this moment. So, I kept driving with my thinking rambling on and on and I just took it all in. Tonight, I am okay.

I think there is a conflict between the truth and lies that is only found in the human mind. Nature doesn't share that conflict. It just knows it is okay. It is where the truth, peace, joy and enough reside without question or debate.

Day two is happily ................. over.