Abandonment ... You're Not Quick Enough

So, what if everything I have ever thought about abandonment (my sacred religion), is not true?

I love questions like this. I love being set on my ear when for decades I have thought something was absolutely true ..... and it just isn't. It is so exciting to find these new worlds. It's my favorite thing, this "undoing of doctrine and dogma and rule of law". I love the sacred irreverence of questioning all that has been held dear in my story. It makes me gasp to discover a lifelong held doctrine that turns out to be fantasy, and then, it makes me smile from head to heart.

Here is the way the story (the gospel according to Rita) has always gone:

Childhood ..... abandoned and replaced by alcohol, insanity and football
Adolescence ..... abandoned and replaced by cuter, skinnier, less threatening girls
First Love ..... abandoned and replaced by socially acceptable race partner
First Marriage ..... abandoned and replaced by work, project, work, project
Second Marriage ..... abandoned and replaced by computer
Work ..... abandoned and replaced by craziness, selfishness, insanity, control
Religion ..... abandoned and replaced by judgment, fear, intolerance, control and self-righteousness
Motherhood ..... abandoned and replaced by their own lives, their own stories
Sisterhood ..... abandoned and replaced by ungratefulness, rejection, walls
Adulthood ..... abandoned and replaced by EVERYONE ELSE'S EVERYTHING

Now, some of you may be thinking .......... how sick is this gal? Well, if you call addiction to love, approval and appreciation from anyone or anything sick, then, I would have to say, not so much sick as very, very confused.

Here is how it really went:

Childhood... Adolescence... First Love... First Marriage... Second Marriage ... Work ... Religion ... Motherhood ... Sisterhood ... Adulthood ...

You guys weren't quick enough to abandon me. I beat you every time HA! and embraced my story of abandonment more tightly and gave you the credit. Wouldn't even keep that for myself. I was so covertly competitive and really good at it. It was my part in the drama of my play, and I am a very good actress, an overachiever really, in the arena of cause and effect.

So, today, here is what is simpler and truer: I have never been abandoned except for the no space for me in my own mind story written with such attention to detail. The story did bring me to here. OMG! Thank you, story.

New story line .......... (til this one gets blasted away, too):

Outside world ..... "Blah, blah, blah, blah and if you don't agree with us, then you are stupid, ugly, going to die, going to hell, going broke, going to get cancer, going to jail, going to get old, going to have a heart attack, be betrayed, have restless leg syndrome, and only get to eat celery", (and the scariest line of all) .... "BE ABANDONED AND BE UNWANTED AND ALONE, really."

Me ..... "Whoa! What a story! Good writing! (Applause, tears, ovations ...............) Sorry, now what were you saying? I'm too what? You know, I understand. I remember when I used to think that, too. But it sure makes a great story, huh?"

........ exhaling a giggle through a smile

If you find this entry a 180 degree turn from my last blog .... very perceptive. Hang on. It's what I do.