Boundaries .... deja vu .... still

I am the only one at work today. It's MLK's birthday and I traded this holiday for tomorrow so that I could take in all of the inaugural events of President Barack Hussein Obama. That still gives me goose bumps to say that or write it. This old, remodeled nursing home, with it's four long wings, is quiet and dark and altogether peaceful today. It is usually filled with children's voices and kitchen sounds. My office is in the wing that is the only one without children. Head Start and the Rise School take up the other three wings. It is a long standing story that this building is haunted by a little old lady who died here while it was a nursing home. There are all kinds of stories about how she moves things around in the kitchen, appears here and there behind locked doors and sets off the door alarm for no apparent reason from time to time. Her name is Mrs. McGillicuddy. If she is here, I would love to talk to her. I'm sure she could give me some great advice on how to deal with my borderline personality disordered boss. I am haunted by my past association with this disorder, so it is fitting, that on this day of Dr. King's dream, in Mrs. McGillicuddy's old stomping ground, that an exorcism be performed. On me .... once and for all .... free at last, free at last of my behavior that works like a magnet to attract BPDs.

BPDs ( really hate that abbreviation, but don't want to type it out every time) are really draining people to be around and I must have the exact mirror components that attract them, because they keep showing up in my life. I think it has to do with boundaries. Not having them or not having healthy ones. Not knowing where to draw the line because ................... I sometimes can't tell the difference in selfishness and responsibility. Leftovers from my own upbringing are still contributing to attracting BPDs to my life.

Today is the day that I stop pointing my finger at them, and find out how I am attracting them and the drama that comes with them. BPDs can be really nasty and cruel. I have described them as big black holes that suck the life out of everyone and everything that dares come close. I find myself falling silent and/or cowering or just being complacent and really tired in their presence. It is an old survival technique that isn't working "so better", as my niece Teresa used to say. I forget what is appropriate in the face of such demanding and rage and crazy making and accusations. Habit ............. habit .................... habit .................... HAD IT!

Okay, what character traits do I possess that would make me an ideal petree dish for a BPD to spot and move into permanently? Well, how about boundary difficulties ....... yep, that would attract a BPD like flies to a fresh cow patty. Learning to negotiate the continuum of boundaries which includes everything from "complete 6' steel wall" to "no wall at all", instead of choosing one or the other, I'm relatively sure would be of great help.

What else? Flexibility range is too high. I bend til I am on the verge of snapping and then I bend some more. No wonder I feel like I am being flung (is "flung" really a word? say it a whole bunch of times ........... it can't be a real word) all over the place. Some strength, some "no thanks", some "don't want to", some "you go ahead without me" in there somewhere might save some energy for ME. Make me less tired, less resentful, less angry, less rebellious, LESS CRAZY, LESS ADDICTED TO CIGARETTES AND FOOD AND STUFF. Hmmmmm, last rather vigorous response noted for future consideration.

While BPDs are all about black and white, I seem to be all about grey, light black, titanium, silver, gray, peuter, gun metal, steel, hoary, iron, etc., etc., etc., world without end, Amen. See? No boundaries.

And then there is "sharing". Oh God! With a healthy person, sharing could be good. With a BPD, sharing of everything is not expected, but demanded. Especially feelings, which is nothing more than providing ammunition to be used at a most vulnerable time, usually in the cruelest of ways. Maybe not telling EVERYONE EVERYTHING about myself would work better.

Let's just get on with it and name the rest:

*Intransigent hope
*Irrational loyalty
*Willingness to interpret the slightest improvement as undeniable progress
*Willingness to abandon self but not others
*Justification of existence by "doing" for others
*The ability to delay gratification FOREVER in some areas and not even a nanosecond in others
*Difficulty allowing people to suffer, even if it is their preference
*Overly responsible for others, Underly responsible for self
*Willingness to keep trying NO MATTER WHAT
*Unresolved abandonment issues

I have to go lay down now. Exhausted ....................... Try again later ...........

Hey ................. a boundary! Happy "I Have A Dream Day"!